come join me!

Superfriends! Can I just tell you that I LOVE my tumblelog so, so, so much? I've been tumbling up a storm over there, so please join me, add it to your readers, follow me, whatever!

YAY!

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if you hear screaming coming from brooklyn this weekend

Tomorrow I’m moving The Marquis to New York.

It’s okay, you can laugh. I know - objects are sure to be hurled.

We’re loading up the U-Haul tomorrow morning and heading down together, as I was planning on being there this weekend anyway for another Gawker Cotillion. So I’ll get him all moved in Friday before I don my new frock and head out, and then Saturday night we’ll be together in his new home, rolling around on the hideous forest green wall-to-wall in the living room since he has only bedroom furniture for the time being.

He called this morning, upset over an unpleasant parting conversation with one of his closest friends here in Boston. As he was telling me what happened my little fists curled, my teeth started grinding and I really had to work to remain calm because NO NO NO YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME (but not as much anymore!) BUT YOU CANNOT HURT MY FRIEND WITHOUT RISKING THE REMOVAL OF TESTICLES BY BLAHNIK MARYJANES.

So I’m in high flutter mode, all Mom’d up and protective of my puppy, which I guess is good because right now he needs me. And I’m happy to be there for him, even though I much prefer it when he’s his usual lacks all emotion self and I’m the one blowing out over a cross look. It would be a lot better if this trip were more lighthearted, if I wasn’t so worried about how vulnerable he is because, well? Our relationship is complicated and FUCK ME WITH THE IMPOSSIBLE FEELINGS. Shit.

Here’s to hoping he drinks himself straight again and decides to declare his unending love for me.

***

okay fine, maybe I do want to make him feel as bad as he made me feel

I was told recently that someone I cared enough about, someone who I considered a friend, spoke badly about me behind my back.

We were out together with a group of people and when I excused myself to smoke a hundred cigarettes, as I do, he said things that were designed to make me look foolish. He succeeded only in making himself look like a jerk - but the intent of it, the disloyalty, the lack of kindness stunned me. I was angry and embarrassed and more wounded by the disrespect he showed me than I should have been; I wanted to rage at him, to insult him, to tell him all the mean things I thought about him but never, ever would’ve said because hurting people hurts me so much. But I knew that ultimately doing that would make me feel worse, like Mom always told you.

So I let it go, and instead of sending a cruel email or writing a bitchy blog post I turned the other cheek.

And damn it all to hell if my reward for such Jesus-y behavior wasn’t that it STUCK IN MY CRAW AND NOW I’M CONSUMED WITH HATRED AND A DESIRE FOR REVENGE.

I’m not a violent person, but I swear to Peter and Paul and the rest of the Saints that I want to knock this person’s teeth out. So umm, could someone teach me how to throw a punch?

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it’s me we’re talking about, there’s always a bright side

Good Lord, I’m so sad. Oh sure, I’m grateful for and positive about all the wonderful things I should be grateful for and positive about, and there are many – but man, I’m really taking this whole The Marquis is Leaving Me business hard. I keep bursting into tears at random times, like ooops, sorry what were you saying about the Fed and interest rates? I was busy having a spontaneous emotional outburst over here. Don’t mind me, I’m just a loon.

So that’s sort of unfun and more than a little embarrassing, right? I mean, a little perspective here, Jolie – you’ve known this person for less than a year. All this sadness, too, it makes me feel like a shit, like I’m just hellbent and determined to find ways of sabotaging my own happiness.

I do have moments, though, where I see that this is just my way and that’s it okay. Change is hard on me, it always has been and right now there’s A LOT OF IT. So, you know – I cry. It’s alright. But I also do something else, and that something else is pretty freaking awesome. I clean.

The Spirit of Spring Cleanliness has indwelled me, superfriends. I have gone completely berserk on my home. Like, I washed my windows on Friday. As in, I cleaned behind the stairwell this morning during Meet the Press. And hi? I MOVED FURNITURE SO I COULD SLAY SOME DUST BUNNIES IN HONOR OF EASTER.

See? BRIGHT SIDE. Literally!

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editorial discretion

So I changed my mind and took down my vitriolic rant on the nature of being of mixed ethnicities. That's the nice thing about having your own blog - you can make and change the rules at any time! OH THE POWER!

Nothing happened other than it was just kind of ugly and I dunno, I just want a sparkly blog is all.

***

nerd alert, nerd alert!

I think this is my favorite thing I've ever written.


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when we shine, we shine together

About six weeks ago The Marquis came over for one of our twelve hour drinking sessions; I poured the bourbon and handed him his glass, he held it up and said “Well. Here’s to 2009.”

This year didn’t start quite out how we’d hoped. We both got sick, our careers stalled and our bank accounts dwindled, and oh my God you don’t even want to know about our respective love lives except you already do if you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time. Just… disaster, everywhere.

But as these things often go, we spoke too soon when we wrote the entirety of 2008 off over that bourbon. Last week both of our lives turned on a dime. I’ve taken on a new project that will keep me spectacularly, totally, wonderfully busy until the end of May and The Marquis, he’s moving back to New York.

I’m wildly excited for him, but I’m also really rather broken up over it. And more than a little bit jealous too! But not entirely, because I also know that come June 1, when my project is over, there’s a chance I’ll up and move back too. In the meantime, I can’t help but take all these changes as a sign from whatever higher power oversees these things that I’m supposed to follow a new path. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable and apprehensive, all this change, but rationally I know it’s so positive - I really am excited about everything that’s happening, for both of us. And to outward appearances, I’m doing all the right things: I’m supporting my friend, encouraging him, seizing the opportunities coming my way, making changes that are ultimately going to help me be happier and healthier.

But behind the facade I’m a wreck.

I haven’t been sleeping. When I do sleep I have nightmares, bad ones. I had a panic attack for the first time in well over a year; it started in the middle of the night and persisted through to the morning. I have a nagging sense of dread I cannot kick.

It’s so frustrating – no, fuck that, it’s INFURIATING - that I’m doing everything right, approaching these changes with the most positive attitude possible and my reward for all this, for not collapsing in a heap and weeping into my decorative pillows, is that my psyche’s decided to knock me down as soon as I turn out the lights.

I just want you all to know that I truly hate being crazy. It fucking sucks. But I shall shine on, crazy diamond that I am.

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